Family feud

So I had a crummy Mom's day. I drove the the ATL on Friday afternoon to spend the weekend at home and be with Mom on her day, and I got home to quickly discover that she was not in the best of moods. And I understand that she has a lot going on in her life right now (she didn't sign her contract at school in hopes of finding a part-time job) and is working under the principal from hell. I also understand that she there's a lot of water under the bridge that I just have no clue about, and thus have no say over.

But one thing I do know is that I've witnessed her slow but definite withdrawal from her friends and her church this year, to the point that our pastor called her to ask why he hasn't seen her lately. And the thing is...I just don't think it's a good thing. In fact, I think it's a really sad thing. Not because she's not doing all the things that make you a "good Christian," but because she has completely sidestepped some of the most effective means of grace that God has given us. I mean, there's a reason God wants us fellowshipping, and in community with others, and plugged into a body. He knows that if we aren't continually hit over the head with the Gospel, if we aren't saturated in His grace and in His reminders to live in Him, then we just start doing it all ourselves.

And that's what has been happening to my Mom, hence the stress, and the moodiness, and the physical exhaustion...and it just makes me really sad. So I decided that I love her enough to be the one to tell her what I've seen, or at least remind her of some of the things that she has let go of recently. Note to self: do not attempt this on Mother's Day, for future reference. She didn't like what I was saying, at all. Big shocker there, though, who does like being reminded of things they've let slip? Long story short, arguments/fighting ensued, and all parties went to bed without understanding of one another or forgiveness of any kind. Which prompted me staying up till 3am writing a long letter and sharing a favorite Psalm in attempts at conveying through writing what my not-so-eloquent spoken thoughts failed to communicate.

And then came Sunday, and I just backed off and didn't know how to handle anything at all. And maybe that's where this post is heading, because the older I get the more I notice that the boundary lines of parent/child, mother/daughter are becoming blurry. I don't know how to be a child anymore. It was so easy, so simple, when she was the authority and I was to obey...when she lead and I followed. But she has long since fallen off the pedestal I placed her on. Which is a good thing for all involved, no one is ever worthy of a pedestal and it places undue attention and expecations every which way.

But now that I'm grown (although I'm also discovering that the older I get, the younger I feel) I just don't know how to be her child, her daughter. Should I have just kept my mouth shut? Was it my place to share some of the little "knowledge" I feel I've learned in my life, a lot of which she herself has taught me? How do I love my mom and NOT do this? What in the heck does it look like to be a child when you are an adult?

I wrestled with all of this when my parents were separated in highschool and college, but from a different angle. Back then it was how to find my role in their story of reconciliation -- now it is how to find my voice in the role of her redemption. I don't literally mean my voice, but more the voice of God through me. Don't read that to be as pious as it might seem...I just mean that I think God often uses His children to speak to one another, and this time seemed no different. My problem, on top of the aforementioned confusion of my role, is how to actually let God do the talking, and not taint His message with my own intentions.

I feel a little rambly, and just an overall confusion about it all. Any thoughts? Words of wisdom? At the moment I'm resting on the concept of speaking the truth in love, and hoping she can remember that "faithful are the wounds of a friend." But am I supposed to be her friend in this instance? I wish I knew...

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On a lighter note -- finals are over!!!!!!!! Man does it feel good to be done with this semester. Summer is finally here. :)